Drinking perpetuated my perceived failures in life. I deserved to be a failure, because I clearly was not strong enough to control my drinking.

I was wrong. I had an addiction, from which I’ve managed to unlock and free myself. Alcohol is (only);

  • an anaesthetic
  • a disinfectant
  • an accelerant, and
  • a poison

For thirty two years I have abused alcohol. For thirty two years I had convinced myself that despite its foul taste, its clear toxicity and obvious depressant qualities, my alcohol use had some redeeming features.

I thought;

  • drinking alcohol made me feel good. It doesn’t. Alcohol withdrawal feels bad and relief, by way of the re-application of alcohol simply feels less bad. This was mistaken for feeling good.
  • drinking alcohol was a reward for _______. What kind of imbecile needs a reward for getting through the day. Well, perhaps an ER nurse at a children’s hospital might. But not everyday.
  • drinking alcohol was necessary when out and about on the town. It isn’t, although drunk people are boring, unless you’re also drunk.
  • a fine wine or whiskey was a pleasant drink. They’re not. Craft beer or boutique gin? Give me a break.
  • drinking alcohol would be with me forever. It would be too difficult to give up, and I would be missing out on something, which would require tremendous willpower. Funnily enough, somewhat ironically, I did not need to use willpower at all to stop drinking. I just had to change the way I thought about alcohol.

Since reading Stop Drinking Now by Allen Carr, which helped me understand my addiction, I have essentially unlocked my present and future selves. It did not hurt. I do not feel deprived or that I’m missing out when out with friends. I have started losing weight and enjoy exercise.

I wake up earlier and start each day without a sense of dread. I look forward to talking with my kids in the morning.

It would have been nice to have my thirty years back. Would I make different decisions? For sure. But I’m here now, with a loving family and the next chapter of my life ahead of me.

It has been two months, and I have thought of drinking only a handful of times, and then only fleetingly. Nothing like the agony of the previous attempts. Two Januarys that I managed to remain sober in the last decade.

In these two months, of the time I thought of drinking, it was to use alcohol as an anaesthetic, 1) having been traumatised in a visit to the emergency department, and 2) having a rare fight with my soul mate, over a stupid comment I made in front of my youngest.

Turning to the bottle was, as has always been, me merely stealing from the future for a fleeting moment of relief from the past.

Now I have more a of chance of living in the present, experiencing it fully, warts and all. Moments of anxiety and self-doubt are still part of my day, but I have substantially more reserves of sprit, now my body is less toxic and well rested.

Clarity of thought and health of body and mind are essential for the balance of my journey here on Earth, for the times are uncertain and youth is not on my side.

I cannot un-see the truths I have discovered about drinking alcohol, which is why I will never drink again.

And that feels great!

Image credits: Healing Grid by Ryota KanaiSpaceman Spiff by Bill Watterson